In the devastated town of Borodyanka, northwest of Kyiv, Natasha Romanenko has pushed paper into the bullet holes peppered across her windows.
It’s to keep the cold out, she tells us.
“You can see, there are holes where they were shooting directly in our window when we were hiding there,” she says, speaking through NPR’s interpreter.
When Russian forces invaded and occupied the town, the damage was devastating. Ukrainian officials say Russia deliberately bombed civilian areas and that hundreds are still missing more than a week after the invading forces withdrew. Now, crews are sifting through the wreckage to see what — and who — survived.
We start to see signs of the destruction on the drive from Kyiv into Borodyanka. What should be a quick trip now takes hours as destroyed bridges mean more cars crowd onto the few reliable routes, and the military checkpoints create long lines on narrow roads.
We pass through the village of Dmitriovka and see a burned-out car near homes reduced to rubble. A little farther on, there is a flattened tank.
Then, another destroyed car that has the word “children” spray-painted in Russian along the side door.
We arrive on Borodyanka’s main street — Central Street — with a humanitarian convoy that immediately begins handing out food and water.
It’s here that we meet Natasha. She and her family spent a month hiding in a cramped, dark root cellar.
“What did we eat? Mostly potatoes,” she says. “I had some spare oil, and I have a cow, so I had milk. And I went to my neighbor, I gave her some milk. She gave me some other things, some cheese. So this is how we survived. Our cow saved us.”
Natasha takes us to the cellar, which is mostly filled with crates of potatoes. She explains that at night, they would lay a carpet over the crates and try to sleep on top of that, keeping warm under all the blankets they had.
In the final days of the occupation, Natasha says, a Russian soldier confronted her. She had ventured out to milk her cow, and he thought she was scouting Russian troop locations. She says he took her out to the middle of the road and pointed a gun to her head.
“He was threatening me,” she says. “And what did I say to him? I said I just wish one thing: that he would see my face for the rest of his days, so he would never forget what he’s done here.”
The soldier spoke to someone else on his radio. Then, Natasha says, he let her go.
As the aid workers move through the main street, we break from the group, and the scale of the destruction starts to sink in. It’s utter devastation everywhere you look.
There’s an apartment building blackened from flames, with the middle collapsed from the bombing. The windows in all the storefronts have shattered and roofs have collapsed. There are burned vehicles in the streets, and most of the power lines are down and frayed on the ground.
Across from the destroyed apartment building, there’s a small park with a monument in the middle. On top sits a giant bust of Taras Shevchenko, the famous Ukrainian poet. Bullet holes pierce his forehead.
The tall pillar that the bust rests on is cracked and crumbling from all the shrapnel. Three policemen are holding a ladder while another man stands nearby, ready to climb to the top.
Yaroslav Halubchik is an artist from Kyiv and has come here to help create an ad hoc art project — an instant memorial of sorts.
“We’re calling it ‘The Curing of Shevchenko’ or ‘The Healing of Shevchenko,’ ” he says.
Yaroslav steps up the ladder and starts to wrap a big gauze bandage around the bust’s giant head. As he does that, a man in a Ukrainian military uniform comes up and asks him what he’s doing.
Yaroslav explains that it’s performance art, and the soldier seems satisfied. It turns out, he was worried that they were repairing it.
“In this case, it is vital that we keep this monument as it is right now, it shouldn’t be touched,” the soldier says. He adds that it’s especially important because of who Shevchenko was.
“This is really important, because we all know that Shevchenko and other Ukrainian poets were always enemies of Russia,” he explains. “I really hope that people will rebuild everything here as it was, but we should keep this as it is now.”
We ask his name. He’s Yevhen Nyshchuk — the former Ukrainian minister of culture. He’s in the military now and based nearby.
We keep making our way down the main street. Building after building has collapsed from the bombardment of tank and rocket fire.
In the nearby town of Bucha, bodies were found in the street. Here, with so many collapsed structures, the worry is that bodies are still trapped underneath.
Several cranes carefully pick up debris, as recovery teams look for remains. There’s a playground in front of one of the buildings and a woman is sitting there on a bench next to a slide, watching the recovery work.
Her name is Ludmila Boiko.
“My sister and her son lived here. This is what’s left of them,” she says, pointing to a pile of old notebooks. “His mother kept his old notebooks from school.”
Ludmila found them scattered around the debris of the apartment building. That and some pictures, she says, are the only things she’s found.
Ludmila’s sister Olyna Vahnenko was 56. Her nephew, Yuri, was 24. He had just graduated from college.
They’d left their apartment and sought shelter. But on March 1, during a break in the shelling and bombing, Olyna and Yuri went back. Ludmila says they talked on the phone, and Olyna said they had been able to shower and eat some food.
An hour later, Russian forces destroyed the building.
“Our friends were trying to help us, but for four days, it was a huge fire here,” Ludmila says. “And so first they were trying to fight the fire. They didn’t have a chance to do excavations right away.”
When the fire stopped, people started trying to look for survivors. Then shelling began again, and they had to flee.
After that, she says Russian forces were posted here, and nobody could get near the building.
Searching couldn’t resume until a month after the attack. So Ludmila sat, and waited.
“I just want to see how they discover all the bodies that they assume should be there, and then probably I would like to do something like with DNA testing because I want to know for sure what happened,” she says.
“I was so close with them that I don’t even know how I should live now. How should I live in this place?”
The crane continues to slowly remove rubble from a collapsed building.
Soon, workers discover a woman’s body. Ludmila climbs up the pile of rubble to look.
The body is removed, covered and placed next to three others found earlier that day.
Ludmila goes back to the playground and sits down, continuing her vigil.
“Guilt transference” is a ploy commonly used by cheaters. If your spouse is unfairly accusing you of cheating, she might be hiding something herself…
My wife worked in a high-powered male-dominated field, while I work in decor and deal with many women. She started accusing me of flirting when she heard me talking to clients on the phone, then she kept asking me whom I was seeing when I went on calls to clients’ homes.
I was innocent and didn’t see the signals that SHE was cheating and trying to deflect any suspicions I might have had about her, since she often worked late and travelled for work.
The truth came out when I saw her lover’s texts on her phone, which she thought she’d lost.
But I found it stuck under a seat of her car when I drove it in for repairs as a favour to her.
It must’ve felt like watching a magician’s performance of the Great Transferring Act. You got wrongly accused and hounded about things you never did, while the swirl of accusatory questions and unfair blame kept you from seeing the reality.
Her daily sham production — the powerful job, her time spent with her lover, playing the wife role back home — all made for a drama which she had to keep going so you wouldn’t even look for the truth.
It’s a destructive ploy that’s not uncommonly used by determined cheaters. Many therapists have noted this “guilt transference” among people who refuse to take responsibility for their own misbehaviour.
You haven’t said that it’s over. But it’s hard to imagine that she would drop her self-righteous pose to admit she’d been the bad guy in the marriage, and want to repair it.
I met this guy through a mutual friend whom I trusted. Though he lived out of town, he did business in my city and visited me often. We became intimate and I thought he could be the One.
I ignored the small concern about why he didn’t contact me much during the week when he was in his city, unless he was in his car.
He’d phone me when travelling to clients, and he’d say the most romantic things and wind me up about our being together again.
But once when he travelled abroad and didn’t contact me at all, I was hurt and told him so when he returned. He kept saying he “couldn’t do that,” and it suddenly clicked.
He was travelling with another woman. It turned out she was his fiancée and they were married a few months later. What a scumbag! I no longer think much of our “friend,” either.
Duped and Disgusted
That was no friend, if he/she knew the guy was already deeply attached, and/or a proven player (since he was pretty practiced at deceit).
A lover who only calls you from a car usually signals that he/she’s a cheater. It means the person can’t call any other time. It’s likely you weren’t the only other person this guy was stringing along, even while he was engaged.
He’s also the kind of unashamed rogue who may try to reconnect after newlywed life makes him feel hemmed in (I give that about six months max).
Don’t even have the conversation with Scumbag, or he’ll try winding you up again.
The lesson: Check out your “small concerns” in any next relationship. Look for reasons that make sense. Otherwise, recognize the red flags and follow them to whatever’s being hidden.
Tip of the day
If you’re innocent but constantly being accused, look closer at who might be the cheater.
by Brian Moniz
Anyone who has ever been on a dating app has been down this road before — you meet someone online who messages you, “Hey handsome! You’re very cute and I like your profile, I’d love to meet you sometime!” Both of you chat for a few days, maybe even a week or two, then agree to meet in person. After a little time spent together, the other guy gives you the typical rundown of cliché compliments every gay man says to each other, “You’re so awesome, you’re unlike all the other guys out there.” “You actually seem sweet and genuine and not just looking for a hookup.” “You’re the man of my dreams! I’m so happy we met!” and my personal favorite, “How are you still single!?” The date goes well and you leave the night on great terms, maybe even with a kiss. Just before bed, the other guy reinforces his interest in you with a goodnight-text, “I had a great time tonight. Great to meet you and looking forward to hanging out again!” Every single one of you reading this has experienced a night like this, and unfortunately, know what is likely going to happen next.
The next morning you wake up and check your phone to see if this new handsome gentleman has left you any messages — nothing — but it is still early, so you text him, “Good morning handsome, thanks again for a great night!” An hour goes by and still no reply…maybe he’s at work. Around lunchtime you send another text, “Hope you’re having a nice day!” Another few hours go by and still no reply. You give him a day or two and decide to text him again, “Want to hang out again soon?” Again, nothing. You hop on Facebook or Instagram to leave him a message and can’t seem to find his profile page anymore. When you log back into the dating app where you first met you discover his profile is missing altogether. That’s when it hits you — he didn’t delete his accounts, he deleted you.
The other person has blocked you and probably blocked your number, too. You re-trace your steps from that first night, wondering what you could have possibly said or done to turn this guy off. You pick up your phone and call him only to hear two rings before being sent to voicemail. If it went straight to voicemail that means his phone was off or dead; if it had rung many times that means he didn’t see it or was away from his phone; but it rang twice, that tells you he saw his phone ringing, saw your name on it, and declined your call. You hang up and leave a text message:
“Hey (name), I hope I haven’t said or done anything to upset you, you seemed really nice and I thought we had a good time. Did you delete your Facebook and Instagram? I wanted to leave you a comment earlier today but noticed we aren’t connected on them anymore. If you don’t want to hang out or go on another date that’s a bummer but could you just tell me so at least I know that’s what you want. Anyway, I hope everything is okay and you’re having a nice day. Hope to hear from you, even if it’s just to tell me you’re not interested anymore. Thanks.”
If you are even lucky enough to hear from him at all, you’ll get the “Hey sorry just been super busy. You seem nice, but I honestly don’t think we will work out romantically, but I’m down to stay friends?” text. Which as anyone who has ever received that text knows, there is absolutely no chance of staying friends. You read that text and put your phone away knowing you will never see or hear from that individual again. Like I said, that’s if he decides to contact you back at all. Most of the time he will just delete you everywhere, block your number and move on to the next guy he finds on a dating app. You may even run into him on the street or in a bar, to which he will make awkward eye contact, give you a guilty half-smile and avoid any contact until one of you leaves.
This is the unfortunate, common way people our age date now; we are a generation of ghosts. “Ghosting” is the act of abruptly ignoring someone completely in hopes of getting them to forget about you and leave you alone. You don’t give them any reasoning, explanation or closure, you simply try to make yourself disappear from their life, which often includes blocking their number, their social media accounts, their dating app profiles and avoiding them in-person at all costs. While ghosting is very immature and just plain cruel, it has become the new normal for young people these days. It is much easier to just ghost someone than to have to explain to them why you suddenly don’t have any interest in them. No one wants to own up to hurting someone else’s feelings, so it’s much easier to just click “block” and hope the other person gets the hint and goes away.
The world of dating has come a long way from leaving love notes and taking someone out to dinner and movie, earning a kiss on the third date and then meeting the other person’s parents. We live in a hook-up culture where meeting people has become painfully easy. Many people would rather just get a quick fix with strangers they met online than go on proper dates and develop a real relationship that is not just about hooking up and leaving when it is over. Of course, not everyone has ghosted someone else before, but we have all felt what it is like to be ghosted and it’s not fun.
If you are just looking for a hookup and are not interested in finding a partner, at the very least have the courage to tell anyone who wants to meet you that before you ghost and hurt them. They say whatever negative energy you put out into the world you get back ten-fold, so to all you professional ghosts out there who still actively meet people then abandon them cold turkey, you might be able to avoid the people you hurt, but you can’t escape the karma that’s coming your way.